Trying to let it all sink in

As Dana wrote yesterday, we have had some very difficult news over the weekend. For those of you that are interested, I'll get the links updated in the next day or so - then you can read the infamous report and official statements.

Today I went to work with puffy, bloodshot eyes after a very very long weekend! Normally, I am not an internet person, but there were two things that have made this weekend bearable...Dana and the PAP friends online. Family is amazing, but there are some things that only those that are going through this can fully grasp. Ironically, I have been reading a book"this is not the life that I ordered"! Right now it is really hard to talk about because I don't have an answer for the inevitable question of "what now?". We don't know what now, other than to grieve for something you wanted so badly but cannot fully make sense of why you cannot have it.

So onto my evening, deciding I had enough of the puffy red eyes, I decided that tonight was going to be about realizing how much we do have. I spent a couple hours in a lower income neighborhood, observing and doing random deeds such as purchasing people's groceries. I will admit this was selfish because doing these random acts of kindness was more fun than I have had in a very long time! So I know that while we don't have everything we want and have experienced a very big loss that I don't know if I will ever full recover from, I do know that Dana and I do have a lot and are very lucky in alot of ways. Long story short, if you are depressed, doing these random acts of kindness is the best medicine I have found to date!!

I will ask that you keep us and the hundreds of VN adoptive families in your thoughts and there are alot of us trying to figure out "what next??"

Not Good News from Vietnam

It is with a heavy heart that I write that Kara and I's Vietnam adoption adventure is quickly grinding to a standstill. Today Vietnam announced that there will be no renewal of the agreement with the US and that no referrals will be made after July 1st.

This basically means that given where Kara and I are in the process we have no chance of adopting any time soon. It could be years before Vietnam and the US work out another agreement. We feel very caught between squabbling governments. It is like we are drifting around in a sea of circumstances beyond our control. We keep looking around for some sense of direction, but the only thing we can find is eachother.

We try to tell ourselves that this is all in the best interests of the vietnamese children and families to make sure there is no corruption going on. But at the same time there are still 2 million orphans in Vietnam and they ARE being adopted by citizens of other countries - just not the USA. So much for the moral imperative.

As I've been touted as the eternal optimist, I've been trying to think of something uplifting to say. We will keep our heads high, adapt to our new circumstances, and continue our adoption journey...

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ...